her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
