All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
