Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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