I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
