Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I've blown a few things in my day
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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