I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
