I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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