if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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