Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
the room spins SO much faster in panama
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
