I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
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