I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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