Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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