I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm getting married
To pizza
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
