He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
