I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
