Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
