You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
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