I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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