wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
