I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
