I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
