I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
