i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
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