i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize