I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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