Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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