I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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