So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
