you suck at this game today
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.