Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
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