and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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