As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Who died my cat blue again?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
