I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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