My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
