i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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