Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
