I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
