Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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