btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Did you just see the Batmobile???
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
