she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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