Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Let's get the cat blown out
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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