I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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