just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It's like God shit irony all over that family
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
