We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Randomize
