Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
