I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
