I CAN MOONWALK!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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