Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
