I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
