So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
