I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
