drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
