Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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