someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
