Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Mom said you looked used
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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