Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
