woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
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