WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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