I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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