So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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